I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Found the puke drawer
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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