I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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