I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
