she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
