it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
What drink are we having for lunch?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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