I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
