Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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