i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
