you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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