I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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