What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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