just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
