You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize