Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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