Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
