Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
