I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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