i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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