Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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