I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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