how can u be prego again
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
