It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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