Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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