Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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