My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
