When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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