plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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