I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
