I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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