boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
