Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i just sent this text using only my big toe
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize