I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
