You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
