Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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