you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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