I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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