U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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