I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
