Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The Olympian is in my bed
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
