chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
