I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
