I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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