I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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