I cockslap morals
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize