I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Randomize
