At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
