What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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