I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
