im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
