and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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