Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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