i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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