Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
