I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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