He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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