If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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