new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
