I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
