I'm gonna have a badass scar
Sober January is a disaster.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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