told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
