I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
