The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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