I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
