Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
