I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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