New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize