Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
