and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
