You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
